A Word About Grief

January 13, 2023.

It was a Friday. It was my normal day off. I generally don’t have plans that early in the morning on days off. This day wasn’t any different.

Then the phone call. Unexpected, of course.

Dad.

“I’m going to get your brother on here, Geoff.”

Grandpa Rupnow had passed away.

Even as I type those words now, the rush of that moment comes back.

One of the many blessings in my life has been to enjoy the investment, the shared memories and experiences, and the opportunity to grow up for 36 years of my life with all of my grandparents actively involved for each of those years. Even as I would pastor and counsel people in the midst of loss and grief, I had not experienced a close family loss.

365 days ago, I was sitting at my parents house after a day of visiting with friends and community members who had known my grandpa. I was thinking, praying, and processing what I would say to eulogize him; all that he had influenced in my life, the memories that our family had shared with him, and the life that he had lived in his 80 years.

As I think about the things that I processed, the things that I shared, and the moments of reflection that I have had in the past 366 days, I’ve come to realize a number of things about grief. These probably aren’t new to those who have walked through the valley of loss that death brings our way. But here they are:

1 - Grief is a relative experience.

Nobody experiences grief the same way. While I’m quite emotional, for what ever reason, death has never produced in me an overly demonstrative response on its face. I’ve had a few momentary breaks that have felt more overwhelming than others. But this isn’t everyone’s experience.

I’ve noticed that death and loss can produce a more stoic response. Some respond in the immediate while others over time. Some more outwardly emotionally, while others in a more introspective way. Within the unique nature of each individual, the response to loss and the dealing with grief is just as unique.

The learning I have had is the one constant is the reality of the loss itself. We all lost someone who meant a great deal to us. How we deal with that loss is unique.

I think there’s grace that’s needed to allow space for those idiosyncratic reflexes that grief can produce. We all grieve differently and we need to allow for those differences; even when our perspective suggests that others should be dealing with it differently.

2 - Grief is not just an immediate experience.

First gatherings without them. First birthdays without them there. Those don’t come on the one day that we choose to remember them and they each produce a particular response depending on how important those days were to them and us.

It’s not just those big ones. It’s the random search through Google Photos for something else that takes you to that memory of them (and the rabbit trail to look at all of the pictures of them).

The loss of someone doesn’t end when we memorial is over. The grief doesn’t end when the tears dissipate. The process of walking through human life includes dealing with death and navigating the emotions of loss.

The thing I have noticed in my own process is that just as they were part of my life, part of my experience, part of me in their living, they are just as much part of me in their passing; just different. But remembering memories plays a different role than making memories.

When we let grief and loss define our experience, paralysis in life is at our doorstep. It’s one thing to remember those moments and use them as an opportunity to celebrate the life they lived and the investment they made in our lives. But we can’t sit in that. At least not forever.

One of the best ways we can honor the lives of those we have lost is by allowing our grief to spur us on to a more vibrant life instead of a paused life.

3 - Grief is a blessing to remind us to live life.

The thing about those moments that come up is that they cause us to remember. Grieving moves us to reflect on the life that we got to share with them. We are moved to consider how they influenced and impacted us through our grief.

Grieving reminds us that we are human; that we have an end date some day too. Grief has a natural ability to remind us that our days are numbered and that the time is coming when we will depart too.

There will come a day that we will take our final breath and be faced with the realities of eternity. That the brevity of our lives and the legacy that we have chosen to forge will be felt by those that we leave behind.

Grief and the reflection on my grandpa’s life has consistently reminded me that serving is a core value. Ruminating on our conversations together spurs me to keep living the life that he expressed pride in as he heard stories and saw photos. Meditating on the life he lived moves me to honor him by living my life all the more.

No doubt there is an intensity of grief that happens in the most immediate moments to loss. But at some point, the choice to live more life is ours. The memory of their life begins to fuel us to the vibrancy that they brought to our life.

I don’t know how grief and loss has entered your life. I know that I process these things in light of the grace and hope that I have in Jesus Christ. I hold on to truths like these:

“The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.” - Psalm 34:18

“I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us.” - Romans 8:18

“He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.” - Psalm 147:3

But perhaps the passage that I hold on to and entrust my grief to is in these words that Paul shares in 1 Thessalonians. It reminds me that just like my time on earth, my grief has an end date on it as well. That eternity is calling and will some day be my reality.

“Brothers and sisters, we do not want you to be uninformed about those who sleep in death, so that you do not grieve like the rest of mankind, who have no hope. For we believe that Jesus died and rose again, and so we believe that God will bring with Jesus those who have fallen asleep in him. According to the Lord’s word, we tell you that we who are still alive, who are left until the coming of the Lord, will certainly not precede those who have fallen asleep. For the Lord himself will come down from heaven, with a loud command, with the voice of the archangel and with the trumpet call of God, and the dead in Christ will rise first. After that, we who are still alive and are left will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air. And so we will be with the Lord forever. Therefore encourage one another with these words.” - 1 Thessalonians 4:13-18

I hope that you can say the same, so that when the loss of you becomes the grief of those who love you, they can hold to the same solid truths that point to a reuniting; a rejoining together in Heaven, for eternity.